maybe i don't want to write like that...

lately, i've taken up the pen once again, trying to scribble out a review for the newly famous, incredibly awesome rap collective odd future wolf gang kill them all. i'm trying this out for 2 reasons:
1. i am so excited about this group that it makes me puke regularly.
2. i want to see if i can.
having dropped my once/week writing regimen, i've lost an outlet of expression. i need some place, some medium, to share who i am and what rattles around behind my eyes, and dropping my blog took that away. i need that back.

so i tried my hand at writing this review for okc.net, a blog about the local flavors of oklahoma city and how awesome it can be (+ some more stuff, obviously), spearheaded by a few friends of mine. their writing is insightful, lucid, generally just good, and i appreciate that about my friends.
but i'm not sure if that's what i want to write.
i wanted to publish on okc.net because of the wider audience and the new experience of having an editor (liz, who is the most amazing person alive), but the more i write about odd future, who i'm genuinely excited about, the less i want to write. it reminds me of my day working for the school newspaper in college. it went something like this:
"hey brandon, can you write up a quick thing explaining that you can talk to the campus police about getting rid of parking tickets (or something like that)"
"sure! (crap out a page which is largely fictional narrative but which almost gets the point across) here!"
"uhhh... this... this is not going to work..."
i rewrote that article about 4 times, and never quite got a handle on what they wanted.
then there was the time i was at aeronautics camp, and the counselors wanted us to write a short essay about what it was like to fly in an actual airplane. i asked if it could be fictional, and wrote a page and a half about michael jordan jumping up to grab a kid out of the airplane and slam dunk him, killing the kid (who was a real kid in my group) instantly and graphically. i had no idea why the counselors hated me so much.
the same thing is happening with okc.net, just in a different way: liz wants something that meshes with the style of the rest of the blog, which is generally very insightful and exploratory. i just want to tell people how awesome i think odd future is.
but i want this to work!
so i rewrite, and come up with a new, insightful, exploratory piece which investigates the nature of the music and why people are intrigued by it. it discusses the darker nature of man and feeding the monster inside everyone. some of my friends love the rewrite, but all i can see is how contrived and pretentious it feels to me.
despite the new piece being an exploration of how the music actually makes me feel, it no longer says what i want to say: this group is so freaking cool i just want to explode; everyone and their cat needs to hear them say insane things about how fun rape is.
i wonder if i'm just not cut out to write for other people, to the goals that they're looking for. maybe i just don't want to write about my emotions and the social fucked-upedness of the world as a whole in the breadth of a music review. maybe i just want to say, "check this shit out, it's off the hook."